“Not Personally.”

I’ve been echoing those words for the past few days,
from jouvert morning to whatsapp chats as it the day wastes away.
Oh not personally, so I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

But I don’t know how not to feel it, because I should
not be able to sleep at night but I can but I wouldn’t if I could.
Because every dream is a “what if”, dream, endless alternate
scenarios, outcome and possibilities.

Someone even suggested that he may not have been dead,
if I had agreed and spent five minutes not moving ahead.
Because literally five minutes before we were smiling, laughing,
now that hug is something I can never forget. Never unfeel.

I’ve been trying to make myself feel better, because saying
I didn’t know you is better that saying, I didn’t mind to.
Because you were indeed friendly, kind and most of all lively.

Five minutes before I said don’t worry another time.
But another time will never come. For it didn’t come this year,
it won’t the next. But I’ve been too busy making my grief invalid because,
I knew you, but not personally.

It doesn’t matter now, because no one deserved that,
you did nothing wrong. I don’t even want to think about it too long.
Like your family, like your close friends, the only question I have left is
why

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